Have you ever been upset with God? Like really angry with God? Angry enough to say, “Fudge!!! I cannot take this anymore!!!” Did you breakdown and sob to where you couldn’t get a word out, and your chest throbbed from indescribable pain?
I experienced this yesterday. Before I tell you why, I believe I should explain the behind the scenes. My wife and I had a daughter, Layla Esther. Her name means night star, and she was born into the arms of our Savior on December 23rd, 2011. She passed away in the womb as a result of a condition known as encephalocele and tricuspid regurgitation. Encephalocele is where the brain starts to develop outside the skull. Tricuspid regurgitation is where the tricuspid valve does not completely close and lets blood from the left chamber into the left ventricle. This causes the heart to have a larger left ventricle an a smaller right ventricle. They are both neural tube defects and doctors say that if a baby has them then most likely the child is “incompatible with life.”
Kristina and I with Layla Esther
My wife does a better job of describing our journey in her blog, Alabaster Jars. If you, or a loved one you know, has experienced or is experiencing this same situation I highly recommend that you visit/send people to her blog. Not only is she great with words, but she also has a list of resources that offered us some priceless memories of our little girl.
With that in mind, yesterday was our first time back to church since this event happened. We struggled with a little bit of anxiety when first going in. I was actually fine up until we got to the church and all of a sudden it felt like I was about to have a panic attack. Please know that this is not a reflection of our church rather I feel like it was a spiritual attack on both of us.
We made our way up the stairs to the area where our friends sit and the songs started. I was instantly mad at God.
Multiple songs in a row had something about God being “the Healer” and how “nothing is impossible for you God.” Well, if nothing is impossible for You God then why did You let my daughter die!? Why after months of prayer for healing and restoration did you not show yourself as “the Healer?” Why did my wife and I have to sit in a room and watch a screen that showed “our night star” was no longer here on earth? Why did I have to hold my lifeless girl in my arms and watch my wife cry herself to sleep? Why do I miss someone so much that I never really knew?
These were all thoughts that were going on in my mind during the church service. Does that make me a sinner? I am going to have to say no.
I have started memorizing Scripture lately. In fact, it is part of my new life plan to memorize 300 verses over the next 5 years. That translates into 60 verses a year and 5 verses a month. It is a lofty goal, but I see the benefits already paying off. One piece of Scripture stuck out to me while those thoughts of anger were going through my head. Psalm 73 is a story of a man who is upset with those that are doing evil. He does not understand why God allows the evil to prosper and the righteous to perish. Ultimately, he realizes that he has become bitter and a brute. But even though he struggled with being a brute he still belonged “…to You (God). You hold my right hand. You guide me with Your counsel. Leading me to a glorious destiny. Whom do I have in heaven but you? I desire You more than anything on earth. My health may fail and my spirit may grow weak, but the strength of my heart remains in You. You are mine forever.” (Psalm 73:23-26 NLT version)
Even during these rough times God is holding my hand. I picture something close to a father leading his little girl in a flower dress down a dusty road. I have to remind myself that although this event has been hard, Layla is already in heaven. What more does a Christian father want for his child? I may not be able to see her in this lifetime, but my years on earth are so short. It will not be long until I get to spend an eternity with her in heaven. At that time she will be restored and renewed. Her diseases will indeed be healed because nothing is impossible for our God.
Have a similar story? I would love to hear from you! What sort of tools helped you through those situations?
